Val’s birthday gift from her momma

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Val calls her mother “momma” even though Ruth is 90. She doesn’t say “Mama” like Southern women usually do. The “o” is pronounced and distinct. Anyway, Momma wants to buy her daughter Val a sewing machine for her birthday. Seems Momma (Ruth) and Bob (Val’s dad, duh) bought her a nice Sears sewing machine in arrgggh 1980… or around there abouts. It’s definitely time for a new one. I don’t know jacksquat about sewing. I do know what thread looks like and how linen wrinkles.

Ruth and Val have been e-shopping on Overstock.com and eBay, looking for a good deal on a machine. They’re fixated on a Brother machine and they won’t stop talking about it. “It threads itself!” Ruth exclaims. “It has 60 programmed stitches… sews buttonholes automatically… has an antique and heirloom setting… sews at 700 rpm… onstar navigation, dispenses popsicles to neighborhood kids, removes stains from wool sweaters…” I don’t know what all they’re saying.

My head wants to vomit. Too much information, too little lunch. “Send me a link,” I plead. I promise I’ll look. Yes… yes… yes… it must be a good deal.” Silently, I must admit, I say to myself, “Please let me eat my ham sandwich. When the two of you are excited, you are more than my brain can process…”

It’s a Brother XR 7700 computerized sewing machine. A factory refurb. Marked down from $499 to $139. Okay okay okay… Ruth’s 1949 Singer — a machine weighing at least 50 lbs. — is sequestered in our closet behind the winter coats. It’s like Narnia in there…